2:03am
29th February 2012
11 notes
Always, always?: Being “borderline” feels like eternal hell. Pain, anger, confusion,... ↘
Being “borderline” feels like eternal hell. Pain, anger, confusion, hurt, never knowing how I’m going to feel one from minute to the next. Hurting, because I’m hurting those who I love. Feeling misunderstood. “a victim of society’s low tolerance for deviant behaviour”. Analysing everything. Anxiety. The voices are so dominant, and I feel at war with myself. I don’t deserve happiness. I’ll just self medicate with drugs and alcohol. Then physically hurt myself. Am I real? I’m so empty and numb. I just need to cut, it’ll make it better. Guilt and shame follow. I’m a disappointment! Wanting to die… So badly. Urging for it all the just hurry up and end. Look, I’m hurting everyone again. Anger, angry at the loss of control. So I’ll cut myself again, or maybe resort to that pill stockpile if it’s bad enough. Please make it all go away! Suicidal ideation takes over, but everything’s subject to change. Dissociation is hanging around too. There might be safety in this, somewhere. But all of this? It’s barely the beginning. “they say I won’t last a day in the real world, I say you won’t survive the night in mine”.
